Kenya Contractors: October 2014

Friday, 31 October 2014

Jokes Only Engineers Will Understand

Engineers Don’t Have A Sense Of Humor?

31/10/2014

1. Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

2. To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

3. A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

4. What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

5. The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

6. Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

7. Knock knock. Who's there? Interrupting coefficient of friction. Interrupting coefficient of fri.... mmmuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu (μ)

8. Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

9. An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

10. A wife asks her husband, a software engineer...
"Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6!" A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied, "They had eggs."

National Construction Authority Registration Regulations-Kenya

The National Construction Authority (NCA), which was constituted under the Act No. 41 of 2011, is mandated to register contractors and to prepare a new register of builders cleared to work in Kenya.

This is a move aimed at weeding out rogue contractors and reduce the amount of malpractices that has seen buildings collapsing and many key state projects being delayed.

NCA provides the legal and regulatory requirements for registration as a contractor. These include:

1.) Qualification – To be eligible for registration as a contractor, a firm must hold a certificate of incorporation from the Registrar of Companies either as a limited liability company, partnership or sole proprietorship.

At least one of the technical directors must have the minimum technical qualification, skills and experience in a construction related field and all the directors must submit their curriculum vitae to the NCA.

The applicant must show tax compliance by providing the Authority with a valid PIN, VAT and Income Tax compliance certificates. They must also produce evidence of an existing bank account bearing the name of the construction firm.

Foreign contractors are issued with a clearance certificate that remains valid for only a specific period. They are required to satisfy the NCA that they are in the country for only that specific project. The firms are required to lodge an affidavit with the Authority that they shall not carry out any other construction project in Kenya once they complete the project for which they have been cleared.

Foreign firms should also submit a commitment to transfer technical skills not available locally to locals as the NCA may determine from time to time.

Upon successful application, the contractor is issued with a ‘Certificate of Registration'

2.) Classification of Contractors

According to the NCA rules and regulations, a contractor may be registered for more that one class of construction works but may hold only one category of registration in relation to a particular class of construction works at any one given time.

These classes include:

NCA1 – unlimited contract value [Contractors – Building], unlimited contract value [Specialist Contractors], unlimited contract value [Roads and other Civil Works].

NCA2 – Up to 500,000,000 [Contractors – Building], Up to 250,000,000 [Specialist Contractors], Up to 750,000,000 [Roads and other Civil Works].

NCA3 – Up to 300,000,000 [Contractors – Building], Up to 150,000,000 [Specialist Contractors], Up to 500,000,000 [Roads and other Civil Works].

NCA4 – Up to 200,000,000 [Contractors – Building], Up to 100,000,000 [Specialist Contractors], Up to 300,000,000 [Roads and other Civil Works].

NCA5 – Up to 100,000,000 [Contractors – Building], Up to 50,000,000 [Specialist Contractors], Up to 200,000,000 [Roads and other Civil Works].

NCA6 – Up to 50,000,000 [Contractors – Building], Up to 20,000,000 [Specialist Contractors], Up to 100,000,000 [Roads and other Civil Works].

NCA7– Up to 20,000,000 [Contractors – Building], Up to 10,000,000 [Specialist Contractors], Up to 50,000,000 [Roads and other Civil Works].

Local contractors are required to pay registration fees of between Sh10,000 and Sh50,000 depending on their category, while annual practice license renewal costs between Sh5,000 and Sh10,000.

On the other hand, foreign contractors pay a registration fee of Sh100,000 and are restricted to categories of tenders they win. Foreign contractors applying for temporary registration are required to commit to sub-contract “not less than 30 per cent of the value” to local contractors.

Under new regulations that seek to protect local contractors from being driven out of business by global firms, foreign contractors will not be cleared to carry out work below NCA1 category.

Thursday, 30 October 2014

Engineering Fails That Make You Wonder How These Engineers Received a Degree.

Civil engineers, construction workers, and designers allow us to marvel at grandiose buildings, bridges, and overall structures that we never would have been thought possible to build. It takes years of studies, dedication and structural design to become a civil engineer, for example, and they're highly respected, rightfully so. However, there are always a few that fall through the cracks and who fail miserably at their job. As long as no one gets hurt (which I don't think anyone has), these images of construction and building blunders will make you laugh.

1. Stairway to nowhere